Papa Crazy
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Jaylynn's deadbeat father returns after several years to win back his daughter. However, is he everything he appears to be? A very special Thank You, Heavenly.
1. Papa Crazy Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 17

Airdate: May 11, 2015

Title: Papa Crazy

Segway Segment: None

Special Guest Stars: None

SCENE 1

(Sparky's car is rolling down the street. The kids are all dressed in their Sunday best, but Jaylynn looks annoyed as she sits in the passenger's seat.)

SPARKY: Alright, guys, are you ready for our very first picture together?

JAYLYNN: I don't know why we have to do this. We've taken lots of pictures together.

RK: Yeah, like that portrait last week?

CUTAWAY GAG

(The portrait shows Jaylynn choking RK on the floor of Sparky's living room. Sparky tries to break it up while Buster is facedown and unconscious, with a can of Mountain Dew spilled near him. Wade just watches TV with a bored expression.)

END OF CUTAWAY

SPARKY: That never happened.

RK: Well, you're the one who thought it would be funny.

SPARKY: YOU'RE the one who thought it would be funny!

RK: Look, somebody thought it would be funny and now we have a portrait to sell.

JAYLYNN: I feel so weird wearing this stuff. A picture of friends? Whoever heard of that?

BUSTER: I like this idea. Finally, I have an excuse to wear this suit.

WADE: You bought a suit that you knew you would never wear?

BUSTER: No, Gilcy got it for my birthday last year. I wore it to dinner and then it just...disappeared for six months.

(The five get out of the car and walk into the photo shop.)

SPARKY: Hmmm. I wonder where the manager is.

MANAGER: Hey, kiddies! Would you like a sugar-free lollipop?

RK: You bastard, what kind of sick games are you trying to play here?!

SPARKY: RK! We would just like to take a picture together.

WADE: Yeah, that's why I bought this monocle.

BUSTER: You actually bought that for the picture?

WADE: Well, yes. I figured it would make me look cool. You know, keeping up with the times.

BUSTER: You're so behind the times, the Cubs just won the pennant.

SCENE 2

The Hernandez Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky's car pulls up at Jaylynn's house.)

BUSTER: I thought that was a great picture.

WADE: Buster, you just said that five minutes ago. And ten minutes before _that_.

BUSTER: I don't remember that, sorry.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, are you feeling okay? You haven't been talking.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, it's just this...feeling I have.

RK: Dude, just go to the bathroom, nobody's judging you.

JAYLYNN: Not that, you jackass! I just haven't been feeling well since I woke up. It's like something is running around in my brain.

SPARKY: Well, you could always take a nap. Did you go to bed late last night?

JAYLYNN: You know what? I think I did. Yeah, maybe I am just tired. I'll see you guys later.

SPARKY: See ya!

(Jaylynn gets out of the car and it immediately drives off.)

BUSTER: Did Jaylynn say bye to us?

WADE: I think so. It was creepy, no one said anything.

RK: Do we always have to point out every little thing that happens?

SPARKY: Yes.

SCENE 3

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ONE NAP LATER

(Jaylynn received a copy of the picture of TSE from the photo shop, but the picture just sits on the coffee table. Jaylynn yawns at the top of the stairs, and for some unknown reason, ends up falling down a couple of steps. She picks herself up before it gets worse and walks the rest of the way, then dusts herself off and turns on the TV.)

VOICEOVER: This Friday on Disney Channel, a brand-new _Jessie_...

JAYLYNN: Change channel.

(Jaylynn then flips through a couple of channels when the doorbell rings. She looks through the peephole, scratches her head in confusion and then opens the door. It is a middle-aged white man in a suit and tie with slicked-back brown hair and glasses.)

MAN: Wow, you're as beautiful as I imagined you would be.

(Jaylynn has a blank stare for a few seconds, then pulls out a whistle from her back pocket)

JAYLYNN: You know what this is? This is a pedophile whistle and I'm not afraid to blow it!

MAN: And funny too. You don't know who I am, do you, Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: How do you know my name?

MAN: Because I'm Daniel Hernandez, your father.

(Jaylynn's eyes widen and then she slams the door.)

MR. HERNANDEZ: You know, all you need to do is open the door and we can talk about this.

JAYLYNN: There's nothing to talk about. My dad hasn't cared about me since the minute I was born.

MR. HERNANDEZ: March 4, 2005, Legacy Good Samaritan Medical Center. You cried over almost anything and I'm pretty sure we thought you were a boy for a little bit.

JAYLYNN: How would you know all that? Have you been stalking my medical records?

MR. HUIE: Jaylynn, open the door right now.

(Jaylynn groans, and lets in her father)

JAYLYNN: I would have made a snack, but I had no idea my deadbeat dad was coming over.

MR. HERNANDEZ: You know what? I deserve that. But once we talk, I think you'll have a different opinion of me.

JAYLYNN: I changed my opinion once, why do it again?

(Daniel sighs and then stares at Jaylynn, who continues to stare a hole straight through him with her look of disinterest)

SCENE 4

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky turns on the TV. At that moment, Buster, RK, and Wade come in and they all find a place to sit down. In typical TSE fashion, all of them look bored. RK jumps up on his usual seat, but falls down when he realizes that Buster has beat him to it. He looks shocked by this sudden change in the status quo.)

RK: Um, Buster, do you mind moving to the right?

BUSTER: Why?

RK: Because you're in my space.

BUSTER: Space?

RK: Yes, I always sit next to Sparky whenever I come here. It's a tradition.

BUSTER: Well, it was once a tradition to own slaves, but we changed that too.

RK: Oh, don't give me that dinosaur argument, just move.

BUSTER: I don't want to!

RK: Are you defying my orders? Your superior?!

(camera does a close-up on Buster's eyes) BUSTER: YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERIOR!

(camera does a close-up on RK's pained facial expression) RK: WELL, I'M A YEAR OLDER AND I HAVE A HANKERING FOR THAT SPACE SO YOU BETTER MAKE LIKE THE PLAYSTATION MOVE...AND MOVE!

SPARKY: RK, if you don't want to sit here, just sit on the chair over on the right.

RK: This...this is unbelievable. (RK slowly walks to the chair, defeated.) My whole world is coming to an end.

WADE: Let's just say you contracted a sexual disease or something. How would that compare to this?

RK: Eh, it's whatever. AIDS is AIDS, man.

SCENE 5

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

MR. HERNANDEZ: After you were born, Jodie and I were less intimate with each other. I don't think she ever really wanted a kid.

JAYLYNN: So why did you guys have me?

MR. HERNANDEZ: We did things and things happened and we just...rolled with the punches, okay? It's a very complex situation.

JAYLYNN: Interesting.

MR. HERNANDEZ: I tried getting your mom help for her drinking problem and it worked for a few months. Then she stopped attending AA meetings and just kept on drinking. She would have never let me file for divorce because she swore she would kill me. So, one day, I just...left.

JAYLYNN: Oh, it makes perfect sense now. You didn't like what my mom was doing, so you took your ball and left so you could make money. Of course!

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn, what exactly do you want from me?

JAYLYNN: Nothing. I spent my entire childhood without a father and I'm going to spend the rest of my life without a mother. You ran out on me because you couldn't deal with my mom anymore. Instead of calling the cops, making sure I would be safe, doing something to protect me, you just ignored me and now you come back years later for what?

MR. HERNANDEZ: To apologize and ask for a second chance.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, that's cute, because everybody in this world can get a second chance if they just apologize. I'm pretty sure Mark David Chapman thought about that before he became a murderer.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn, I'm not proud of what I did at all. I killed your trust in me and I made one of the worst decisions any human being could ever make. I will never forgive myself for abandoning you. I know life has been pretty rough without any parents, but maybe, there could be a chance for closure.

JAYLYNN: Closure?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Yeah. You end one book and start a new one.

JAYLYNN: Well, before we talk about closure, why don't we answer the question of how you even found my address?

MR. HERNANDEZ: I met one of your little friends last week on a business trip. I believe his name was Sparky something. Weird name, actually.

JAYLYNN: Sparky? Him?!

(The camera zooms in on Jaylynn's expression of seething rage)

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The boys continue to watch TV while RK furiously writes in his notebook.)

RK: _Jennings log, Stargate, Sierra Tango 99-64. I've been taken to the enemy's lair, forced to live a sad life of pain and misery. My friend, my brother in arms, he turned on me in cold blood. He took away my birthright, my heart and soul, my favorite cushion in the living room of my other friend. One day, I will find the inner strength to redeem myself and get back what I earned. I will take..._

SPARKY: RK! We can hear your thoughts, can you please be quiet, we're missing the show!

WADE: What does Sierra Tango 99-64 mean?

RK: The hell if I know. It was just random nonsense.

(Jaylynn walks in at that moment and turns off the TV)

BUSTER: Hey, we were just about to find out the secret to the Magic Palace!

SPARKY: Jaylynn, are you okay?

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, I'm peachy. I'm just glad you're okay so you can tell me what kind of tombstone you want.

SPARKY: Heh?

JAYLYNN: HOW COULD YOU GIVE MY FATHER MY HOME ADDRESS?!

SPARKY: What are you talking about, I never...wait a minute.

RK: Your deadbeat dad's back in town?

JAYLYNN: Yup, and this yahoo gave him my home address last week. How did that even happen?!

SPARKY: Well, it was at Ike's and...

CUTAWAY GAG

(Sparky and Daniel are sitting at the bar smiling.)

SPARKY: Thanks for paying for my drink, Mr. Hernandez. You're not a bad guy.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Sure thing. Hey, do you think you could get me in touch with Jaylynn? I really want to see her again.

SPARKY: Of course, I can give you her address right now!

END OF CUTAWAY

SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, I'm sorry I gave your dad your address, I wanted to surprise you.

JAYLYNN: Well, I was sure as hell surprised. But now that I got a chance to see what he looks like now, I'm going to tell him to beat it, and we'll never have to bring this up ever again.

SPARKY: Don't you think you should at least get to know him? I mean, you've pretty much spent your whole life thinking he was dead, at least now you can get this one thing off your chest.

JAYLYNN: I don't want anything to do with him. He bailed on me once, and there's nothing that says he won't do it again.

RK: Jaylynn, maybe this happened for a reason. Your dad came here just to see you. How about that?

SPARKY: Well, actually, he's in town for a business trip.

RK: Still, he came to your house to see you.

BUSTER: Hey, maybe we can all meet Jaylynn's dad right now!

WADE: Yes, can we?

JAYLYNN: Might as well. You'll get more use out of him than I will.

SCENE 7

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The five are all sitting on Jaylynn's couch listening to one of Daniel's stories. The camera does a slow wraparound of each kid, and while the boys all look enthralled by Daniel, Jaylynn is completely bored.)

MR. HERNANDEZ: It's kinda like this. Achieving in business means getting in other people's business to advance your business. You're going to have to lay it on thick, cut some throats to get what you want. You think J.P. Morgan became who he is any other way?

RK: Definitely not, Mr. Huie.

JAYLYNN: Um, Dad, what is it exactly that you do?

MR. HERNANDEZ: I work as an investment banker.

RK: What's part of the job, Mr. Huie?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Oh, I don't know. But I bank the investments so I would assume that investing banks is somewhere in that job description.

BUSTER: What?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Well, I better head off to my hotel room now. Unless you would like to spend the day with me, Jaylynn. Anywhere you want, where's your destination?

JAYLYNN: Hell.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Well, Hell is cool, but that's a four-letter word and fun is a three-letter word. Plus, father-daughter time is hyphenated. See how that doesn't work out? I'm going to go upstairs and use the bathroom before we go.

(Mr. Hernandez runs upstairs to use the bathroom while the four boys give Jaylynn dirty looks)

JAYLYNN: What? It was a joke.

RK: Jaylynn, you're not fooling anybody. Why can't you just suck up your pride and give your dad a chance? He's successful, he's self-made, he's funny. He pretended he didn't even know what he did!

(RK chuckles along with the rest of the boys, except for Buster)

BUSTER: Wait, I don't get it, give me a minute.

JAYLYNN: He wasn't pretending, RK, he really has no idea. The guy's a total nutjob and a scumbag, he's only doing this to serve his ego and then he's going to bail out again.

SPARKY: It doesn't seem that way to me.

JAYLYNN: Because he's my dad, not yours, I can sense it. Why would he even want to be a single parent anyway? I mean, with his job?

RK: Hey, my dad knew a bunch of single fathers. Then again, after a year, a bunch turned to a few.

SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, I know you're really skeptical about trusting your dad but you owe it to him and to yourself to find some common ground and spend time with him. I mean, you're ten years old. Are you really going to spend the rest of your life resenting this guy and then regretting it when it's too late?

JAYLYNN: No. I'll regret it for a minute on my deathbed and then everything will be okay.

BUSTER: You know, if I never got a second chance to see my dad, I don't think I would be so happy.

JAYLYNN: But you're happy all the time.

BUSTER: That's true, but who knows what could have changed?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Woooo, I destroyed it up there. Jaylynn, hint of advice: Do not go in there for a week. Or two. Months.

(Jaylynn has a look of absolute disgust on her face, which prompts Mr. Hernandez to start cackling)

MR. HERNANDEZ: I'm just kidding, sweetie. Toilet humor is really not all that funny. Well, let's go.

(Daniel runs out of the house while Jaylynn continues to look disgusted.)

BUSTER: I get it now! He was pretending he didn't know what he did! (Buster starts laughing while the kids stare at him awkwardly)

WADE: The (bleep) is wrong with you?

SCENE 8

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, and Wade are playing cards. Buster noticeably has on a visor.)

SPARKY: Haha, I got the score!

WADE: I used to be a master tactician with I Declare War. Now, I'm just E.L. James going up against Jackie Collins.

BUSTER: Wade, I feel like you should start hanging out with older kids.

(RK walks in with a big smile on his face.)

RK: Hey people! So glad I wasn't invited to your little card tournament.

SPARKY: How did you know what we were doing? Did you guys squeal?

RK: No. YOU DID! (RK shows a Facebook post from Sparky that says "Playing cards with the fellas." Buster and Wade shoot him dirty looks.)

SPARKY: Wow, today is not my day. RK, we didn't want you here because we don't need you complaining.

RK: About what?

(Sparky points to Buster, who is once again sitting in RK's space.)

RK: What's that rat bastard doing on my cushion?

SPARKY: See? This is EXACTLY what I was talking about!

RK: Well, somebody should have told him to move.

WADE: RK, if you're going to keep making a big deal out of this, then just go home.

RK: I can't, it's Toenail Day for KG. I'll just...compromise.

(RK stares at Buster for a couple seconds, then jumps and lands on him.)

BUSTER: RK, what the hell are you doing?

RK: If you won't give back what you took, then we'll just have to share it.

BUSTER: Well, why can't I be on top? I weigh less than you!

RK: Hey, if you're going to be a baby, then you can just say no to the timeshare right now.

SPARKY: ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH! RK, if you want to stay here, that's fine, but go sit on the recliner over there and stop causing a scene! It's just a stupid cushion!

RK: But, dude...

SPARKY: RK! I've had three cans of Coca-Cola since I woke up this morning and I'm going to explode on somebody if they test me. DO NOT MAKE ME DO IT!

(RK gulps in fear and slowly walks backwards until he sits on the recliner. Wade starts smelling something.)

WADE: Ewwww, what's that foul odor?

(looking sheepish) RK: I think it happened after Sparky yelled at me.

SCENE 9

Burger King

Interior Dining Area

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn and her dad are having an in-house meal together at Burger King. Jaylynn's dad continues to smile while Jaylynn has gone from disgusted to depressed.)

MR. HERNANDEZ: You know, if you mix four drinks at once, you might explode.

JAYLYNN: I've never heard of that stupid myth.

MR. HERNANDEZ: All the kids have been saying it lately.

JAYLYNN: No kid has ever said that!

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Hey, who this guy? Oh, you must be stupid redheaded chick who like girls!

JAYLYNN: Hey, look, it's a walking racist joke.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Don't disrespect my culture of soy sauce and lo mein! What you doing here? Your stupid friends never work that one time and cost me money! They ruin my New Year's Eve!

JAYLYNN: You held them against their will. The whole thing was your idea.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Yo, I'm about to Asian out on you right now.

JAYLYNN: Oh yeah, that begs the question: What are you doing owning a Burger King anyway?

MR. PING WING HING ZING: More money. I served too many zoo animals in my soup. Stop insulting my culture!

JAYLYNN: You don't represent your culture at all, you're just a living, breathing gag machine. Which is weird because you're not funny.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: That's it! I'm going to destroy you stupid redheaded asshole! I'll ruin your day with my fists! Your birthday, your Memorial Day, your Christmas, your Thanksgiving, I'll destroy all your holidays!

MR. HERNANDEZ: Sir, I would advise you not put one single finger on my daughter.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: What? You have a daddy? I thought you die!

MR. HERNANDEZ: I didn't, things just changed but now I'm back. So, here's what I think: You can either go to the back and not touch Jaylynn, or continue running your mouth, take your best shot, and end up on the wrong side of a foot being driven through you.

MR. PING WING HING ZING: Um...you know, I think I'm wanted in the back, our extra-long cheeseburger isn't long enough.

(Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing before Daniel has a chance to crack his knuckles)

MR. HERNANDEZ: Well, I didn't want to threaten him, but he was asking for it.

JAYLYNN: Wow. Thanks Dad. That was actually kinda cool.

MR. HERNANDEZ: No problem. You know what? This place blows. Let's go somewhere a little more mature.

JAYLYNN: Awesomesauce!

(The next shot is of Jaylynn and her dad at a sports bar.)

JAYLYNN: I know you said mature, but this is a little...much.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn, this is the epitome of Pacific Northwest bars. I come here all the time when I'm in town. Their slogan is cool too. "Think of what you can't do with your wife and/or kids, then come here."

JAYLYNN: But I'm your kid.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Hey, you don't have to keep reminding me of the fact.

JAYLYNN: Dad, what did you really come here for?

MR. HERNANDEZ: To see you and have a second chance. Why is that so hard to believe?

JAYLYNN: Because I don't trust you, dammit. I just feel like if I start getting my hopes up and thinking you're going to stay, then you'll end up leaving again.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn, that was five years ago.

JAYLYNN: Eight.

MR. HERNANDEZ: That was eight years ago. I know how you feel. I didn't have the best dad either.

JAYLYNN: He left you too without a note?

MR. HERNANDEZ: No, but he did beat me. His dad always pushed him to be the best he could, and then when he failed to finish college, he was depressed for the rest of his life. After I turned a certain age, he just started beating me. He wanted to make me a man, but all it did was make me depressed for a couple of years. I didn't want to end up like him, and I don't want you to think it's okay to do that kind of thing either.

JAYLYNN: It's not. That's why I can't trust you.

MR. HERNANDEZ: You could try. And if you don't, then I'll get out of your life forever and never look back.

(Jaylynn lets out a big sigh.)

JAYLYNN: Alright, fine. I'll see.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Great. Maybe we should leave. This isn't the best place for a kid.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, that beer looks really good.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn Skylar!

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I've been here too long!

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is sitting on the same spot as before, and he is the only one in the room until RK comes by.)

RK: Where did Wade go?

BUSTER: He had to go home. He's going to call you later.

RK: Cool, cool. So, you still have your fanny parked on my cushion?

BUSTER: RK, I don't see the big deal here. I mean, what's a couch spot really mean to you? You've taken things from me before. My Play-Doh, that Rihanna CD. That donut I wanted on your birthday.

RK: Buster, that was my donut, Sparky gave it to me.

BUSTER: Yeah, but I told you it looked really good and you just ignored me. That hurt me, dude. That hurt me in my tummy.

(Sparky comes downstairs at that moment and sees the situation at hand.)

SPARKY: RK, what are you doing this time?

RK: I was just giving Buster a very important piece of advice.

BUSTER: No, you weren't. Sparky, don't believe him, he's an imposter with his words!

RK: Shut up. This piece of advice that I just gave Buster will carry him through adulthood and beyond. Through good and bad, through thick and thin, he'll always remember what I just told him.

SPARKY: Well, what did you tell him?

RK: What?

SPARKY: I said, what was the piece of advice you gave Buster that was so important?

RK: Um...when you're in the club and your bros think you're going to pop some beer, pop some Cristal instead?

SPARKY: You're talking out your ass.

RK: Sparky, can you just tell him to move?! His butt has been sweating out that cushion for hours. I'm pretty sure the Ten Commandments are against this.

SPARKY: RK, I'm sick and tired of having to go through this crap with you. The next time I see you harass Buster for this cushion, I'm going to "or else" you.

RK: You're going to "or else" me? There a million other ways you could have structured that sentence.

SPARKY: I mean it, RK. Stop coming up to Buster's face about this sofa space or else.

RK: Whoa, you're bullying me now? Way to set an example, Sparky.

SPARKY: But you keep instigating everything!

RK: You think I'm going to back down, just watch. I'm not scared of you, bro.

(Sparky flashes RK a death glare.)

RK: I'm not any more than 25% scared of you, bro.

(Jaylynn walks in at that very moment.)

JAYLYNN: Hey guys.

SPARKY: Sup?

BUSTER: How was the day with your dad?

JAYLYNN: It was alright. I think I'm going to trust him for now and see where things go. Plus, he actually seems sorry for what he did.

RK: That's great, Jay. I'm happy you're getting a second chance. Not many people even get a first chance.

JAYLYNN: I know, right? I feel like one of the lucky ones. So, what's going on with you guys?

SPARKY: Buster is sitting in the sofa space that RK usually sits in and RK is pissed off about it.

RK: I'm not pissed off, just extremely irritated.

JAYLYNN: Seriously? That's the only thing that's going on with you guys?

SPARKY: I mean, you're not around, so what else can we do?

SCENE 11

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

ONE WEEK LATER

(RK is sitting in the space that Buster usually sits in at his condo, at the far left next to Sparky and Wade.)

BUSTER: RK, you're sitting there now?

RK: Yup. I'm sorry if that bothers you, but sometimes you just got to...

BUSTER: Eh, don't worry, I'll just sit on the other end.

(Buster happily sits down on the far right corner of the couch, irritating RK even further.)

RK: I hate my life.

(Jaylynn and her dad come into the condo hollering and smiling.)

JAYLYNN: The best part was when the woman fell over and when you tried to help, she just flipped you off. That was awful!

MR. HERNANDEZ: I know, right? The people in society today have no social skills.

JAYLYNN: But it was awesome at the same time!

MR. HERNANDEZ: It was quite hilarious though.

JAYLYNN: Guys! You had to be there, it was great. You SHOULD HAVE been there.

RK: For what? You haven't told us anything relevant in the past minute.

JAYLYNN: But still, I just wish you guys were there when it happened.

RK: I'm not getting sucked into this.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Well, I'm going to head back to my hotel room. Jaylynn, remember to look up some houses for later. You know, so we can get the ball rolling.

JAYLYNN: Sure thing, pops. Catch you later.

(Jaylynn does a special handshake with her dad that involves shaking hands and sliding their hair back with their hands. Mr. Hernandez then takes his leave.)

BUSTER: Man, I love it when people call their dads "pops." Hey Wade, can I call you pops?

WADE: No.

BUSTER: Big Poppa?

WADE: Possibly.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, what did your dad mean by houses?

JAYLYNN: Well, we've spent so much time together lately, we were thinking about buying a house so we could live together.

SPARKY: But you're ten years old, you don't need to live with your dad anymore.

JAYLYNN: Who cares? The point is, my daddy and I are moving on up pretty soon. I gotta say, at first I just wanted him to leave, but now I feel like my life is starting over and it's great.

WADE: So, if you and your dad buy a house, do you plan on leaving Seattle?

JAYLYNN: Most likely. He wants it to be closer to his office in Milwaukee.

SPARKY: Really. Milwaukee. That's...that's wonderful, Jaylynn.

BUSTER: Yeah. I hear the Brewers were in the NLCS four years ago, so...you have something to look forward to.

(The scene becomes awkward as all four boys look disappointed.)

JAYLYNN: Look, guys, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I love all of you and I'm going to come back all the time. This is just something I have to do for me, you know?

WADE: We understand, Jaylynn.

RK: Yeah. I'm cool about it though. It's a family thing, so...you know.

JAYLYNN: Thanks RK.

RK: You're welcome. So, how long have you been thinking about leaving us?

(Jaylynn sighs and shakes her head.)

SCENE 12

(The next day, Sparky and Buster are walking towards the park. Buster is playing with a little red ball bouncing it up and down.)

SPARKY: I still can't believe Jaylynn might move away with her dad.

BUSTER: I know, right? I feel bad for you. You've known her longer than any of us, how are you taking it?

SPARKY: I don't know. I mean, it's funny how life works. You think you know everything that's going to happen at any given moment, and then bam! It hits you when you least expect it. Well, at least Jaylynn's happier than I've ever seen her.

BUSTER: I think I can relate. When I was younger, my mom bought me a dog. He was so cute with his black nose and drool coming out of his mouth. I thought he was the best dog in the world. Then one day, I pulled on his tail a couple times and he bit me so my mom shot him.

SPARKY: I don't get how that connects to this.

BUSTER: Well, I thought I was going to grow old and die with him, but it turns out I ended up with a dead dog, so...you know.

SPARKY: I love your stories, Buster. Hey, look!

(Sparky sees Jaylynn's dad on the phone at a park bench at a far end of the park. He looks considerably irritated and he has taken off his suit jacket.)

SPARKY: It's Mr. Hernandez.

BUSTER: Oh my God, he looks pissed. Should we get close enough to hear what he's saying?

SPARKY: I don't want to, but at the same time, I can't help my curiosity. Let's go!

(Sparky and Buster walk closer to Mr. Hernandez until they get behind some bushes close to him.)

BUSTER: Aw, man.

SPARKY: What? Is there a bee or something?

BUSTER: No, it's just that, if this was _Big Time Rush_ , we could be wearing tree hats right now! And I left mine at home!

SPARKY: I did too, let's just see what we can pick up anyway.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Look, Janine, you want the truth? I don't plan on staying here. Jaylynn doesn't matter as much as you and the kids. I have a couple business trips coming up anyway. I'm just going to spend some more time with her and then get out of here, alright? That's the truth. Well, she was my first kid. I had to see her once. But, look, I can't think about it too much. She's not my present, you and the kids are. Alright? Okay, bye.

(Sparky and Buster stare at each other in absolute shock as "Big Time Theme Song" by Big Time Rush plays in the background)

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(The four boys have all gathered at Sparky's house.)

WADE: Wait, so this isn't some bizarre attempt at dark humor?

SPARKY: No, Wade. Jaylynn was right the whole time about her dad. He's a lying, cheating scumbag.

RK: He cheated on Jaylynn's mom too?

SPARKY: Probably. I mean, he mentioned kids as in more than one, so who knows what the hell he did in the past?

BUSTER: I can't believe this. Jaylynn was so happy about moving to Milwaukee and now she's going to be devastated. Even more devastated than I was when they cancelled _Mistresses._

WADE: Maybe we should hold off on telling Jaylynn.

SPARKY: What?! Wade, you can't be serious! She has to know about this! Do you realize what could happen if she finds out we knew about it and didn't tell her?

WADE: Sparky, as far as Jaylynn knows, she's already let her guard down. She isn't going to listen to us because she'll think we're just lying to keep her in town.

SPARKY: But we have to do something. I'm not going to sit here and let Jaylynn keep thinking her dad's here to stay. Wait a minute. Maybe we could get someone else to break the news to her.

WADE: That could work. What about Anja?

RK: I don't think anybody's really missing Anja right now.

SPARKY: But if someone else is telling her this, then she'll have to listen. It's time for me to do my duty as Jaylynn's friend. Dr. MacDougal's making a house call.

(Buster, RK, and Wade groan in disgust.)

SPARKY: What?

WADE: Doctors don't even make house calls anymore.

SPARKY: But it sounded cool! Admit it!

SCENE 14

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: And you're 100% positive? Alright. Wait a minute, why is Lynne screaming in the background? You know what, forget I even asked that. Alright, bye.

(Sparky hangs up his smartphone)

BUSTER: So what happened?

SPARKY: She told Jaylynn everything I told her and she didn't believe any of it. She thinks we just put Anja up to it and now she wants to see us at her place.

RK: Oh man, I'm not ready for this. I better loosen up my belt a little bit.

WADE: Why?

RK: Because if Jaylynn starts swinging at us, I want to make sure I can defend myself like that.

SCENE 15

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is sitting on her couch with her arms folded and a serious look on her face, while the boys are standing up looking concerned.)

JAYLYNN: Alright, guys, go ahead.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you have to believe us! Buster and I were at the park and we heard everything. Your dad doesn't want to start a new life with you, he just wants to fill your head with lies so he can forgive himself for leaving you.

JAYLYNN: You know, if I didn't know any better, I would think you guys are just lying about this whole thing.

RK: Don't you think we want you to be happy?

JAYLYNN: No, that's why you made all of this up to get me to stay here.

WADE: My lobes can't take this torture!

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you were the one who wanted him gone in the first place. Why the sudden change in heart?

JAYLYNN: Because he's proven to me that he's changed. Why would he not tell me he has another family?

BUSTER: Because he's a dirty liar and he's working you!

JAYLYNN: You guys wanted me to talk to him in the first place. So now what? I start talking about things changing and you can't handle it? Real friends wouldn't make up stories like this.

SPARKY: Real friends would listen to each other and try to see the bigger picture. Look me in the eyes, Jaylynn. Your dad is a pathetic, lying scumbag!

(Jaylynn slaps Sparky down to the floor, shocking all of the boys and even herself a bit.)

JAYLYNN: Please get out.

RK: Jaylynn, you just...

JAYLYNN: NONE OF YOU ARE WELCOME HERE ANYMORE, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU GUYS, GET OUT!

(At that point, the boys leave disappointed and Jaylynn shuts the door behind them. She looks at her coffee table and notices her copy of the picture that Testicular Sound Express recently took. She goes to the kitchen and stuffs it in a drawer.)

JAYLYNN: Some friends.

Meanwhile, outside of the house...

SPARKY: I can't believe she did that.

WADE: Now, what do we do? We have no way to prove to Jaylynn that her dad's going to leave her again.

SPARKY: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. We're going to get proof that Jaylynn's dad is still a deadbeat. I'm not letting him break her heart.

SCENE 16

("Papa Crazy" by Run-D.M.C. playing in the background)

Sparky, Buster, RK, and Wade are on a mission to bust Jaylynn's father as a liar. Their first step is to spy on the two during their daddy-daughter time. They go to a local amusement park and split up in an attempt to catch Daniel revealing his true motives during a phone call. However, they all fail at each point. At one point, RK and Wade ride a roller coaster that Jaylynn and her dad are going on called the Spine Cruncher. However, they end up missing the two but get on the ride anyway. The two get stuck in mid-air on the Spine Cruncher, then it goes back in motion while RK and Wade stare at each other over that brief gravitational break. The boys continue to focus on Daniel alone, spying on him at the grocery store, the antique shop, and on his bus ride, presumably to his hotel. At one point, he stares at them on the bus and they smile and wave at him. Once he gets off near his hotel, the boys follow him, but not before disappearing from view and returning with disguises. The four are now dressed like Secret Service agents.

RK: Hmm. I feel sexy, but I don't know if this is going to work, Sparko.

SPARKY: Well, I feel like we've been going about this all wrong. If there's one place where Jaylynn's dad keeps all his personal information, it's his hotel room. And he knows he would never want Jaylynn to see any of that stuff.

BUSTER: I feel like he should have left by now. I mean, how long has this business trip been, three weeks?

SPARKY: I don't know, I just assumed he went on vacation or something. Alright, let's go.

(The four rush into the hotel and begin crawling on the floor to avoid having to speak with the concierge.)

(whispering) WADE: Wait a second. I don't know which room Jaylynn's dad is staying in.

SPARKY: Jaylynn told me where it is before we stopped talking. Actually, I think I've been here before.

CONCIERGE: What are you boys doing?

RK: Um, you know...spraying for bugs?

SEVEN MINUTES LATER

(The boys are now in Daniel's room.)

SPARKY: Well, after all that questioning and confusion, we made it.

BUSTER: What if Daniel comes back?

SPARKY: Don't worry, it's going to be quick. Let's just check his drawers because that's probably where the goodies are.

RK: What about this picture of him and his new family?

SPARKY: I think we should leave that here. It looks photoshopped. Besides, who doesn't own a picture of a smiling white family?

(Wade looks inside the drawer on the left side of the room and the camera does a P.O.V. shot from inside the drawer as Wade realizes exactly what he is looking at.)

WADE: Dear mama. Guys, I found something!

BUSTER: What?

WADE: Well, it's either a colored piece of paper, or Daniel is flying solo tomorrow night.

(Sparky looks at the article in question, which is a plane ticket to Milwaukee.)

SPARKY: A plane ticket! Jaylynn's dad is going back home tomorrow!

BUSTER: Oh man, the colored piece of paper was my first choice.

SPARKY: And I bet he wasn't going to tell Jaylynn at all.

RK: Maybe he did, and Jaylynn's leaving without us knowing.

SPARKY: Well, there's only one way to find out.

(The boys hear footsteps and hide in the closet. Jaylynn's dad comes back, talking to someone on the phone and grabs something off his dresser then leaves. The boys then leave the closet, while Sparky has his phone in hand.)

WADE: Calling Jaylynn?

SPARKY: Yup. (Sparky punches in the dials, and stays on the line until Jaylynn picks up) Yeah, Jaylynn? Did your dad tell you about you two moving to Milwaukee tomorrow? Really? Because there's something you need to see. (Sparky stares at the smiling boys, pleased with the revelations)

SCENE 17

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Later that day, Jaylynn is visibly disgusted, to the point where she has even taken off her hat, something she rarely ever does. Her dad comes in smiling, not knowing at all what he is walking into.)

MR. HERNANDEZ: What's wrong, pumpkin? You don't want to go to the Mariners game anymore?

JAYLYNN: No, I'm still going. But not with you.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Huh?

(pulls out plane ticket) JAYLYNN: What the hell is this?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Where did you get that?

JAYLYNN: That's not the question, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!

MR. HERNANDEZ: It's...it's a plane ticket to Milwaukee.

JAYLYNN: And you were going to visit there, then come back here?

MR. HERNANDEZ: Yeah. Sure, I was.

JAYLYNN: I know you're lying, Daniel.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Excuse me?

JAYLYNN: Don't act innocent, because I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I know about the other family, I know you care about them more than you ever cared about me, and I know that you've been lying to me ever since you stepped inside my house.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Don't talk to your father like that.

JAYLYNN: You're not my father, don't you ever say that again. The way I see it, you're just a stranger now. For years, I've put the thought of you coming back into my life in the back of my head. Maybe it would happen, maybe it wouldn't, but I always had it running around my mind. And now that you're here, I want absolutely nothing more than for you to leave me alone until I'm dead.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Don't you realize how hard it is to raise a family, to hold down a job? I do all of that because I care about people, and I care about my perception. That doesn't sound like a caring father to you?

JAYLYNN: You're talking about your wife and kids in Milwaukee, you disgusting son of a bitch.

MR. HERNANDEZ: Jaylynn...(Mr. Hernandez tries to put his hand on Jaylynn's shoulder)

JAYLYNN: DON'T TOUCH ME! (Jaylynn turns her back and begins the attempt to hold back her tears) I trusted you. I loved you. I forgot about the awful things you did in the past because I wanted to have a parent that actually did what they were supposed to. But you couldn't let me have that. You came here to serve your own ego, as some sort of cheap validation. You don't care about me. You don't give a (bleep) about me! All you care about is hurting people. One day, you're going to sit back and wonder why your kids don't talk to you anymore, why your wife no longer loves you. Because they're going to find out you're the world's biggest phony and when they do, you will never be happy again and the pain is going to eat away at you until you apologize for EVERYTHING YOU EVER DID TO ME! You're going to look in the mirror and realize how despicable you are. And trust me, I'm not going to be there for that day. I'm ten years old and I've done a great job raising myself without a family. So why don't you go back home and never bother me again, you pathetic waste of skin?

(Jaylynn's father looks visibly ashamed for a couple seconds, which sends Jaylynn over the edge)

JAYLYNN: GET OUT OF HERE! I TOLD YOU TO GO AWAY, SO LEAVE ME ALONE AND DON'T EVEN BOTHER COMING BACK!

(Daniel hangs his head in shame, takes the plane ticket and walks out of Jaylynn's house, presumably for the last time. Jaylynn drops down to the floor on her knees and can no longer hold in her tears, banging her fist on the floor and covering her face.)

JAYLYNN: They were right. They were right the whole time.

(At that point, Jaylynn realizes something. She goes to the kitchen, takes the TSE picture out of the drawer, and prominently hangs it on the living room wall with a string. The camera slowly zooms in on the picture, and the screen then fades to black.)

("You're Worth It" by Cimorelli playing in the end credits)

©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. Papa Crazy Backstage Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written on 5/12/15-5/13/15)_

-On May 3, an episode was slated to air entitled "Cure for the Common Slang," which dealt with RK becoming popular through a catchphrase he invented solely by accident. However, I decided not to air it because the plot goes all over the place and at some point, I started questioning exactly what was happening. I like the idea, but the script was not up to par so the episode will either be rewritten and aired next month, or rewritten and aired a couple of months from now as part of the fourth season (a third season holdover).

-This episode was, unintentionally, set to air on Mother's Day, but on Sunday, I was feeling less than 100% and decided to hold it off until the day after. I wrote the ending like that, looked the episode over, gave it my stamp of approval, and off it went.

-"Papa Crazy" is actually long overdue. I was thinking about writing an episode about Jaylynn's father for a long time now, at one point considering it for the second season. Because the subject matter was heavy, I needed to make a few guidelines to have it fit the _Thank You, Heavenly_ style. First off, and this was very important, there needed to be jokes. Although some of the best sitcom episodes dealing with tricky topics often avoided humor, I felt like there should still be laughs when necessary to keep the episode balanced. I did not want it to go off in either a comedic or dramatic direction. The serious moments got to stand on their own, but the funnier moments were peppered in just to give the episode that _Thank You, Heavenly_ zest. This is why Buster and RK have that silly subplot by the way.

-This episode took some of its cues from _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ 's "Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse," one of the greatest very special episodes of all-time. The ending was conceived months ago and was inspired by the ending of "Papa's Got a Brand New Excuse," and I wanted to match the intensity and pure emotion of that ending. However, I also had to make sure the episode stood on its own. To this day, that _Fresh Prince_ episode still hits hard, particularly the scene where Will tells Uncle Phil he is not his father. The ending was beautiful, but I had seen it many times before actually watching the entire episode proper.

-The characterization of Jaylynn's father was something I had trouble with getting down pat. I knew he was supposed to be revealed as having learned nothing, but his exact personality was hard to develop at first. I imagined him as a stern authoritarian, who later begins to work Jaylynn to the bone and disown her for being lesbian, causing her to snap. I decided against it. Another idea was just having him be an absolute idiot, but that was difficult to work with so I finally decided to make him a clueless businessman who cannot help who he really is. His awful childhood still has a serious hold on him and he seems to be okay with dishonesty. At this point, I do not have any plans for him to appear on the show again, especially after it is revealed that he is still a deadbeat. Plus, he would shine a lot more effectively as a one-off character.

-The role of Jaylynn's father is usually one given to a guest star, but there was really no one person that I had in mind despite considering the following people: Ben Savage, Sting (the wrestler, not the singer), Dean Ambrose, Hank Azaria, etc. In the end, I decided to just leave the role uncredited.

-The Buster/RK subplot was actually inspired by a show that I do not watch: _Friends._ In "The One Where No One's Ready," Joey sits in a chair that Chandler was recently sitting in, causing them to argue. I just thought that whole situation was amusing so I decided to add it into the episode. The subplot was initially supposed to have a fight scene between RK and Buster (set to "Learn My Lesson" by The Sheepdogs), but after the seriousness of Jaylynn's plot started taking over, I decided to just focus on that instead.

-This is the first episode since the show's return on April 5 that does not feature an appearance from Asil (or at least a physical one). Right now, she is my favorite recurring character and I like writing stories for her, to the point where I forget that she is supposed to be recurring. I have no plans to include her in the May 24 episode, but the one this Sunday? Definitely.

-As you might have already figured out, this episode is named after and features the Run-D.M.C. song of the same name. You know this idea has been walking around for a while because I actually included Run-D.M.C. again.

-"Wade Goes to Junior High" was intended to contain the quote "I'm Jackie Collins in a world of E.L. James" before it was scrapped. However, I loved the line so much I decided to put it here in this episode.

-The card-playing scene was inspired by a recent situation at school when my friends were all playing cards and laughing together. Meanwhile, I was sitting there what they were even playing.

-Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing and Jaylynn both reference the season two episode "Goodbye 2013, Hello 2014" where the boys ruin Mr. Ping Wing Hing Zing's float at the New Year's Eve parade, forcing them to work at Burger King against their will to pay for the damages. Also, this episode may or may not be his last appearance. Much like the Talking Dumpster, Hing Zing does not represent the current style of the show and only serves as a distraction now. This is also the reason for Jaylynn's meta-jokes towards him.

-The bar's slogan was inspired by the _Full House_ episode "Super Bowl Fun Day." In an attempt to watch the Super Bowl, Joey takes Michelle's science club to a sports bar called Weeb's. Their slogan is "A fun alternative to your wife."

-The piece of advice that RK claimed to give Buster was inspired by the intro to Jay-Z's "Imaginary Player" when he says: "I-I was popping that Cristal when y'all n****s thought it was beer and shit."

-Sparky was initially supposed to have a confused reaction to Buster's story but I felt like it was too predictable so I gave Sparky an action that was more characteristic of him.

-In reality, _Mistresses_ was never cancelled (I found out after the airing of this episode), but the reference to it has more to do with Alyssa Milano's departure from the show, due to Buster being a fan of her.

-Right now, "You're Worth It" is possibly my favorite song. It took some time, but it eventually grew on me and now I am in love with it. I wanted to use "You're Worth It" for a serious episode like "The Karma Machine," but I held it off believing that using it then would come off as cheesy. I do not see many other opportunities this season to use the song, so I chose now.


End file.
